Although I think we can all agree that MLK Day is the holiday, All Hallow’s Eve is definitely in the upper echelon of celebratory occasions. Here are 5 inarguable reasons:
1) Halloween is awesome, but it’s much better as an adult than it ever was when I was a kid. All the neighborhood children come to my door dressed in their adorable costumes squeaking out, “Trick or treat!” to which I happily respond, “Obesity or diabetes!” Then I fling a king sized Snickers at them as if they were an attacker I was trying to impale with a knife. It’s easily more fun than Easter where you have to actually go out and find kids to throw hard boiled eggs at.
2) It’s also one of the more educational holidays, since kids learn that it’s perfectly acceptable to go door to door begging strangers for food under the veiled threat of doing something fucked up to them. “I will create paper mache out of old eggs and toilet paper which I’ll glue to the front of your house and all of the foliage in your yard unless you give me something delicious with nougat. Oh, and my mom said to say, “Thank you!”
3) Pedophiles with ambulatory problems don’t even have to leave their houses. Rather than stalking children throughout the neighborhood in their windowless vans, they can simply relax while watching Justin Bieber videos and wait for their doorbell to ring. If they’re smart, they don’t rape and murder the first five or ten kids. They give them at least a dozen pieces of premium candy then let them spread the word to all of the other youngsters in the area. That’s called “viral marketing,” and it’s not just for Herbalife anymore.
4) Children who would normally be called dorks can wear super cool garb and change public perception of them. Nothing gets bullies to back down on the beatdowns like an 8 year old boy wearing a Katniss costume. I, for one, will always dress my child as either a pirate or a ninja, because those are two figures that demand respect, even from the older kids. Or maybe it’s just that my little ones outfits will be accessorized with real swords.
MY KID: “Daddy! Mean Billy from up the street tried to take my candy.”
ME: “What did you do?
MY KID: “I cut off his fucking head with my sabre!”
ME: “Good boy. Let’s have some treats.”
5) Slutty nurse outfits.
And there you have it. While your fat ass is binge eating all of your kid’s candy under the pretense of “checking it for poison,” remember the true message of this exciting and wonderful holiday.
Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat.
Or I’ll kill you.
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