Vote Republican

I believe in lower taxes, smaller government, and the right to bear arms. I’m also pro-choice, anti-religion, and think that Republicans, generally speaking, are idiots. Lucky for me, I can vote for Obama because I have a good accountant, the government doesn’t infringe on my life in almost any way that I notice, and I am a law abiding citizen so no Democratic president will ever try to pry my guns from my warm, live fingers.

What I’m saying is that there are plenty of reasons to vote Republican.

Here are 5.

1) You’re a racist. – This one should be pretty obvious but, if you’re a racist or a bigot, don’t vote for Obama. He’s black and, in all likelihood, will remain so indefinitely. In fact, never in any debate or policy speech has he ever once implied that he might consider turning white. What I don’t want to hear is you complaining that you voted for Obama because you were under the impression that he was going to turn white; now you’re all pissy and accusing him of unfulfilled promises. Just vote for a Republican who is most certainly white already.

 

 

2) You’re a homophobe. – All gays are Democrats, even the ones that aren’t. You’ll never catch Mitt Romney at a wedding ceremony that ends with, “I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss the grooms.” Marriage has nothing to do with love. It’s a legal contract in the eyes of god between a penis and a vagina. That’s really the only way it make sense. If you don’t vote Republican, we will all surely get AIDS.

3) You believe god should influence policy. – Because Jesus saves—-you money on your taxes. America is the greatest country in the world and only because god allowed us to slaughter the Indians, build a slave based economy, and make Ford trucks. Amen.

4) You think a zygote should have a social security number and pregnancy from rape is because god loves you enough to bless you with a child. – Ignorant liberals are just going to keep letting women get away with making their own decisions, and you can’t abide by that. We need to allow every teenage girl who gets knocked up, victims of rape, and ladies who might die during childbirth, the opportunity to be forced to have an infant child that they can’t care for, needs to be visited by it’s father/rapist, and/or might kill them. The lord wouldn’t deprive them of that, nor shall you.

5) You’re a rich old white man. – Because unless you get richer, the rest of us will never survive. We need you to keep buying mansions, yachts, private jets, and high priced hookers so that we can achieve the American dream.

Those are just some of the great reasons to vote Republican this election. I could list countless more but I have to get up early for work tomorrow. I don’t have any kids to support, but there are those 47% of Americans that are lazy as fuck and someone’s got to feed them.

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