Don’t Call It A Gum Back

I’ve chewed here for years.
Rocking veneers,
Keeping your teeth in fear.

If you’ve been following the saga of my dental adventures of late, you’ll know what you’re getting into here. If not, I strongly suggest you read both:

Teeth Don’t Fail Me Now!

and

Teeth Don’t Fail Me Now! The Pictures!

Those will bring you up to speed and allow you to understand what you are about to see. If you don’t, proceed at your own risk. Might I suggest you chew on some tin foil while you’re reading? Bwahahahahahaha!

When we left off last episode, I had my new temporary plastic teeth. These are designed to hold one over until their new veneers are created by elves, down at the center of the earth. The plastic temps, however, are created by blind, mentally retarded Malaysian children out of old, recycled, Scooby Doo Shrinky Dinks. They’re actually just one solid piece of material bonded to your teeth so you don’t look like you’re from Appalachia whilst you wait for your real choppers. That said, no one mentioned to me how porous they were and that, if I drank a cup of coffee, I’d suddenly look like I’d been eating the yellow snow. So, after day one, I had pee pee teeth which were evident in the pictures from Episode 36 of my show. Then, to make matters infinitely worse, I broke one of them off while grinding my teeth in my sleep. So now I’ve got three yellow teeth and one little white nub of a tooth. I look like a tweaker who went crazy, obsessively brushing just one tooth.

 

I’m sorry, did you need a closer look?

Here’s a series of modeling pictures for a popular dental magazine. Can you pick out which one I call Yellow Steel?

Shortly after my sexy photo shoot, young virgin quadruplets were sacrificed and one tooth was wrenched from each of their mouths. In this ceremony, I am presented with my freshly harvested virgin veneers.

 

Suprisingly, the virgins all once played for the LA Clippers.

I know I mentioned earlier that veneers were created by elves at the center of the Earth. Turns out the elves are part of the Writer’s Guild and were on strike when I got my teeth done. Learn something new every day.

Remember in my first dental picture blog, when they ground my old veneers off in order to put the temps on. Well guess how they get the temps off, in order to put the new veneers on. No seriously, guess.

 

Wait, is that too far away for you to see?

 

This battle was slightly bloodier than the first.

Kiss me you fool!

I just can’t get enough! I just can’t get enough!
(sing it)

 

And rinsed!

 

This is where they start to implant my titanium skeleton. Wolver-who?

The dental work wasn’t near as traumatizing as ET’s screams when they ripped off his finger for this. Phone home now motherfucker.

 

The Lord toucheth my gums and said, let there be light. And let these veneers bond to his natural teeth which begat these nubs.

Sonia, my sweet angel of oral pain.

(please note that I can make people laugh even when they’re torturing me in my mouth hole)

Aaaaaaaaand ta-motherfuckin-daaaaaa!

Finally, the new veneers are in place. Granted, I’m still wearing the protective goggles and I’m more baring my teeth than smiling, but my entire face is paralyzed from the novacaine. Point is, I got some kick ass new choppers, thanks to the efforts of Miss Sonia, the incredible Dr. Sam and, most importantly, the man who’s little bad ass sperm battled it’s way to a lonely egg, creating both another teenage mother and me. Thanks for the teeth dad!

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed my dental experience as much as I have. But now that my teeth are finished, don’t worry that there won’t be any more fun picture adventures. Next month I’m getting some hemorrhoids lasered off! Stay tuned.

Tags: Comedy, Dentist, My Life, Teeth

Category: Stories