Allrighty then…if you’ve read my last blog, Teeth Don’t Fail Me Now!, you’ll understand the significance of this particular blog. If you haven’t, go read that first, then come back to this one. Seriously, don’t be a retard. Do as you’re told.
That said, the previous entry left off at my visit to Dr. Sam, the dentist extraordinairre who is giving me my new veneers. He is, to the best of my knowledge, the dentist for some celebs including the LA Clippers basketball team and our esteemed governer, Arnold. Of course all that is trumped by the fact that he’s being featured in one of my world famous blogs.
Anyway, this isn’t going to be one of my notoriously wordy blogs. It’s going to be mostly pics, so you can enjoy my agony right along with me. Ready? Let’s begin…
Here I am in the dentist chair. Those are NOT my sunglasses. They’re protective goggles so tooth schrapnel doesn’t blast into my cornea. What’ll they think of next? Peep the old veneers. They look like regular teeth but if you saw them in person they’re ugly. At least I think so. And they’re more cracked out than a crack whore.
Here is a disturbing close up of my gums and nose hair.
This is my version of a grill. Bling bitches!
Ok, if you thought the nose hair was gruesome, check out the choppers as they start to remove the old veneers. Can you imagine if I bit you?
Wanna make out?
This is what the underlying nubs look like once the old veneers are removed.
I feel so…so British!
The next few pics are for every person who’s ever emailed me said things like, “You’re hot.”
It’s time to reconsider your feelings.
Incidentally, I do not use hair product to go to the dentist. My hair is goofy looking and quite fluffy.
Back in the shades and my grill. Gangsta!
Ever wanted to get up close and personal…with my gums? Here’s your chance. I learned that your gums turn white when injected directly because the anesthesia has no where to go. It just builds up in that one spot. Sexy!
The reason that they numb your gums up directly is because they have to yank them back and shove a bunch of yarn up there. I know it looks like there’s just a piece of string running along the edge of my gums, but that’s the THIRD piece. Two others of equal thickness are jammed up INSIDE my gums. This is to create a hollow space when making yet another mold. Today, my gums are bruised. It feels really good. No, really. Like an orgasm. If an orgasm felt like you’d been punched in the gums.
I believe I mentioned another mold, no?
I look like a retarded dog with my tongue hanging out. Mr. Winkle anyone?
The resulting mold of my jacked up mouth.
And finally, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…
my temporary plastic teeth!
They actually look even better than my old veneers. Pretty sad isn’t it? I only have to wear them for a week or so. I’ll go early next week to the lab to do color matching and then they’ll create my new veneers. Once they’re ready, it’s back to Dr. Sam for more torture and to get em installed. If all goes well, I’ll have pics of both. Hell, maybe Doc Sam will let me take some video. One can only hope. Nothing entertains like the sound of a dental drill and me screaming like a girl.
Stay tuned and stay toothed!
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I’m a writer, blogger, comedian, and all around genius.