Remember 50 Things That Don’t Exist? Well here are some more. Stop, just stop.
Let me say up front that I like all of my neighbors a great deal. The majority of them have figured out not to try to befriend me, speak to me, or engage me in any manner including, but not limited to, eye contact. The lone retarded gentleman who believes that, because we share the [...]
This is a tale of sweaty man-gyrations, red-tassled g-strings and hot leather boots. Of cash, ass, sports cars and luxury villas. It’s a journey of epic proportions involving world travels, women and untold stories of debauchery resulting in vast riches. In 1993 (yes, I’m old motherfuckers), I was a rising star in the world of [...]
I love Christmas. As a child, it was easily the most epic holiday of my year and I would have given up Halloween, Easter, and my birthday, in favor of it. Granted, Easter isn’t even a real holiday, but still. My parents were kind enough to divorce when I was seven, instantly doubling the number [...]
As a god jeering Atheist, I can’t believe you believe in any of these things. Cease and desist.
Let me say up front that I like all of my neighbors a great deal. The majority of them have figured out not to try to befriend me, speak to me, or engage me in any manner including, but not limited to, eye contact. The lone retarded gentleman who believes that, because we share the [...]
I love Christmas. As a child, it was easily the most epic holiday of my year and I would have given up Halloween, Easter, and my birthday, in favor of it. Granted, Easter isn’t even a real holiday, but still. My parents were kind enough to divorce when I was seven, instantly doubling the number [...]
I always wanted to swim with the dolphins, but thought it was something you could only do in Mexico where animal abuse is legal, like prostitution, kidnapping, and murder. Turns out, you can abuse animals right here in the good ol’ U.S. of A., while you’re on vacation. So, when Lisa and I left Miami [...]
I weighed myself today so clearly the excitement never ends around here. As it has been for quite some time, maybe 2 years or more, I’m around 163 lbs with shorts, shoes, and a t-shirt. I’m guessing that puts me in the neighborhood of 160 lbs even when I’m butt naked. That’s a comfortable weight [...]
I find it fascinating that I can get myself out the door, to the gym, engage in an intense workout, drive home, refuel my body with healthy food and the occasional handful of peanut M&M’s, then find myself completely unable to simply post my workout. It’s like having dinner with a girl, taking her dancing, [...]
I watched the CNN Republican debate in Florida. These are my tweets: Rick Santorum is a bottom. “Sorry, I have the pube of a woman that is not Calista stuck in my throat.” – Newt Gingrich “I have some questions for you Republicanos!” – Juan Epstein’s mother Speaking of jihadists…we have a question from someone [...]
When I was a child, right around seven years old, I became what was called a “latchkey kid”. The term was coined in the 40′s during World War II, when many families found one parent away at war and the other at work. Their child would have to go home after school and remain alone until the working parent returned. They [...]
This is a tale of sweaty man-gyrations, red-tassled g-strings and hot leather boots. Of cash, ass, sports cars and luxury villas. It’s a journey of epic proportions involving world travels, women and untold stories of debauchery resulting in vast riches. In 1993 (yes, I’m old motherfuckers), I was a rising star in the world of [...]
My friend Chris got himself an apartment in Georgetown (downtown D.C.) just after high school. It was a pimpin little studio right near all the cool G-town bars. Every Friday night I’d head down and spend the weekend getting hammered and trying to pick up girls. The key word being “trying”. Actually, the key word [...]
This story is not for the faint of heart (or stomach) so be forewarned. It’s gonna get uglier than Rumsfeld and Bin Laden having gay sex in a vat of mayo. I take you back to 1989 when yes, I was a wee lad of 19. (I’m old motherfuckers, I know that. No need to [...]
Remember 50 Things That Don’t Exist? Well here are some more. Stop, just stop.
As a god jeering Atheist, I can’t believe you believe in any of these things. Cease and desist.
This is my first time doing stand up ever. The Jon Lovitz Comedy Club.
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